inside-out

when i was younger you could say, to know me what to love and trust me but now reflecting on a few things that have been happeneing this year and in my life in general i have seen certain trends. some people do not find me trustworthy and others no matter how much i love i never get it back.

it is very natural to think that it is the other person's fault and you are innocent but when it has been like this for about 4 or so years one has to think, one being me. and i thought about it for a while.

my past has a lot of bad experiences in it and somethings have caused me to shut down certain parts of my being, i do not completely trust myself, so why should anyone else want to trust me, and i really do not love myself that much, so why should anyone else. yes i have an ego and am confident which comes off in the beginning as that but after a while everyone realizes it is a front.

i have done it for so long that i do not think about it or realize that it is completely transparent. so i think it is time to trust myself, my feelings, opinions and especially my gut. also i have to learn to love EVERYTHING about me again, not just my smile, appearance, and the things that i am good at, but my shortcomings, flaws and imperfections. beauty is in the flaws not in what is perfect already, because there is no room for growth in perfection.

i have grown up in so many ways, how i conduct myself around adults, what i say and who i say it to, how to manage my time, money and decisions, but i still have a lot of growing to do on the inside. socially i am independent, self-efficient and successful, but personally i am not even close to ready.

i do not expect this change to happen over night or even in a week or month. this will take a very long time, but the resolution to do it is there and that is really all that i need. maybe i will once again be able to say to know me is to love and trust me as i once could years ago.

first dates

i would have never said yes...oh speaking of which i lead guys on and make them think i like them and when they ask me out, i say no.

well i would go on the first date to get some free food and movie and then i would tell them that this will not work out or have them give me their number and i would tell them i would call.

well what prompted these comments was the couple that was sitting across from liz, jenn and i at sakura's last night. they were incredibly awkward, and it looked like they were on their first date. he was skinny with a moustache and goatee but they did not connect and pasty white, she was thin witha flat round face and small brown eyes.

they really were perfect for each other in that wierd nerdy comic-book way. but needless to say it was interesting for us three to watch them and the awkwardness of the first date, especially for us.

their converstaion was not really that great, the highlight of it being the girl saying that she was their favorite white girl...

i will just leave it at that, and all three of us laughed so hard i thought my food was going to come out of my nose. so i tried to drown it by drinking, that did not work so i excused myself to the bathroom. i came back to hear her say that she would wear her glasses but she was wearing make-up.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WEARING GLASSES?

then in the attempts to put a little more on she pulls out a regular sized stick of deoderant, puts on her make-up and gives him the makeout eyes, and i want to vomit. but hey i am not taking her out on a date and the two i was with were much much better looking anyways.

but that is where the date ended, and we left shortly after them.

maybe that guy should check out these dating ideas before taking her out again, and save anyone else from that awkwardness.

smile

twinkling eyes, lips turned up baring the pearly whites underneath, and absolutely contageous. a smile is the most beautiful expression ever.

seeing her smile is enough to brighten my day. amazing how something so simple can alter someone so completely.

she smiles first, i smile back, and for an instant we are somewhere else lost in each other. even though it is just for a fleeting moment, the feeling lasts for what seems like ages.

just being drunk on something so small is the best buzz i have ever had.

man do i miss it...

rain...

it is raining again...why sould i expect anything else, this is washington. but still summer months do not get this kind of rain.

i sit here watching the world go by as people fly past in their cars. what a nice vantage point. i see everything, well almost everything.

i have this little game i play for times like this. i like to make up stories about the people i see outside of the window driving their cars up and down the interstate.

why is he going so fast, they must be sucessful to owna car like that, she is off to meet a man about a horse...stuff like that.

it is an enjoyable game that passes the time a can get quite a few laughs if i am a good mood.

oh just saw this guy that is going to work, little does he know that his wife knows he has been cheating on her and she is waiting in his office to "suprise him"

see what i mean i have a little bit of fun too.

joy for breakfast, anger for lunch

you have a new message would you like to open it? that is what appears on my screen when i get to work today. so i click yes. it is loz asking for furniture for her new apartment. so i respond as usual and the classic sean and liz banter continues for about an hour over email.

we dicuss our friends marriage, her apartment, and my 21st birthday and how she is taking me out. well i felt great after the converstaino because i was sad that there would be no one that i could celebrate with and now there are 2 i am happy.

well that was until i talked to my agent. my credit score is horrible right now and i cannot be insured anymore. when i turned 21 my premium would drop two 1800 a year, which isnt' bad for a 21 year old. but now because my father has ruined my credit i am screwed.

i am so mad right now i do not know what to do and therefore i am making him pay all of the 5200 a year that it increased to because my insurance got cancelled. i really do not think that he will like that at all but hey he ruined me so he can deal with the concequences of his actions.

needless to say i am not happy anymore, oh yea and my loan just doubled because of this whole thing because of this i know i will have to pay it he will not. just like him, ruin my life and then leave. so back to work.

something really good must be on its way for me because life is horrible right now.

phobias part 6

this is the last one...

Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism
Taeniophobia or Teniophobia- Fear of tapeworms
Tapinophobia- Fear of being contagious
Telephonophobia- Fear of telephones
Teratophobia- Fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or deformed people
Thaasophobia- Fear of sittingToxiphobia or Toxophobia or Toxicophobia- Fear of poison or of being accidently poisoned
Trichinophobia- Fear of trichinosis
Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinatingVestiphobia- Fear of clothing
Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons (what is he talking about)
Xerophobia- Fear of dryness
Xylophobia- 1) Fear of wooden objects. 2) Forests
Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat (WHAT!!?? how can you be afraid of a mole rat? what is a mole rat?)

DANGER: major life remodeling commencing

well it started with the last semester at school. i hated it. so what did i do i decided to change it.

now two-and-a-half months later the changes are starting.

i gave up on medical school. it was no longer in my heart and the classes were causing more stress and anxiety then i truly desired. i like things light and easy to digest and this was turning into something completely different. so i might change my major, not quite sure about it but it might happen.

like my friend liz i am shopping for an apartment for the last year (plus a semester possibly) of school. then off to culinary school.

yup you read it right. i love to cook and found myself doing that more and more this year and the stress piled up. but not just any culinary school, the Culinary Institute of America in hyde park new york. i really really want to live there and have wanted to since i was young. so a good thing, i think.

but until i am done with school i have to work in a restaurant or catering service for 6 months, no biggie. i am entering 3 cooking contests, if i can win...keep your fingers crossed i can get a free ride to CIA (the school) that would be awesome.

but until then i am just working and setting up this last year of school to be a successful one that i will enjoy for once. who knows what the future may bring but i know it will be amazing.

phobias part 5

it is almost over...

Pagophobia- Fear of ice or frost
Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything
Parturiphobia- Fear of childbirth
Pediculophobia- Fear of lice
Peladophobia- Fear of bald people
Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love
Philosophobia- Fear of philosophy
Phobophobia- Fear of phobias
Photophobia- Fear of light
Pogonophobia- Fear of beards
Proctophobia- Fear of rectums
Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases
Rhabdophobia- Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod, or of being severely criticized. Also fear of a magic wand
Scoleciphobia- Fear of worms
Sinistrophobia- Fear of things to the left or left-handed
Somniphobia- Fear of sleep
Symmetrophobia- Fear of symmetry

phobias part 4

it keeps going and going and going...

Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises
Linonophobia- Fear of string
Logophobia- Fear of words
Luiphobia- Fear of lues, syphillis
Macrophobia- Fear of long waits
Mageirocophobia- Fear of cooking
Maniaphobia- Fear of insanity
Melophobia- Fear or hatred of music
Menophobia- Fear of menstruation
Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry
Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes
Mnemophobia- Fear of memories
Motorphobia- Fear of automobiles
Mottephobia- Fear of moths
Mythophobia- Fear of myths or stories or false statements
Nomatophobia- Fear of names
Numerophobia- Fear of numbers
Olfactophobia- Fear of smells
Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams
Ornithophobia- Fear of birds (only ok if you have seen alfred hitchcock's The Birds)

phobias part 3

and on and on and on...

Genophobia- Fear of sex
Genuphobia- Fear of knees
Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old
Geumaphobia or Geumophobia- Fear of taste
Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge
Graphophobia- Fear of writing or handwriting.
Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity
Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning
Helminthophobia- Fear of being infested with worms
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words (is that not ironic)
Homichlophobia- Fear of fog
Homilophobia- Fear of sermons
Hygrophobia- Fear of liquids, dampness, or moisture
Hylophobia- Fear of forests
Ideophobia- Fear of ideas
Koinoniphobia- Fear of rooms
Kyphophobia- Fear of stooping
Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables
Levophobia- Fear of things to the left side of the body

phobias part 2

and the list continues...

Agateophobia- Fear of insanity
Auroraphobia- Fear of Northern lights
Cenophobia or Centophobia- Fear of new things or ideas
Chaetophobia- Fear of hair
Chirophobia- Fear of hands
Cholerophobia- Fear of anger or the fear of cholera
Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks
Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed
Coprophobia- Fear of feces
Cypridophobia or Cypriphobia or Cyprianophobia or Cyprinophobia - Fear of prostitutes or venereal disease
Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions
Defecaloesiophobia- Fear of painful bowels movements
Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body
Electrophobia- Fear of electricity
Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers
Epistaxiophobia- Fear of nosebleeds
Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge
Geliophobia- Fear of laughter
Geniophobia- Fear of chins

phobias part 1

outrageous phobias, there is nothing wrong with them, but i think that they are funny.

Agyrophobia- Fear of streets or crossing the street.
Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Amnesiphobia- Fear of amnesia.
Amychophobia- Fear of scratches or being scratched.
Anablephobia- Fear of looking up.
Ancraophobia- Fear of wind. (Anemophobia)
Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.
Barophobia- Fear of gravity.
Botanophobia- Fear of plants.
Bromidrosiphobia or Bromidrophobia- Fear of body smells.
Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness.
Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting.
Carnophobia- Fear of meat.
Chronophobia- Fear of time.
Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation.

angry

there are just days where i am mad at the world.

this is one of them. i wish it was not that way but hey what can you do? but now i have to deal with people. never a good thing.

well i am happy for all of those who good things are happening to, but that does not make my day any better.

for now i will just be mad.

go E!

Amazing that is what i like to hear...

twitch

i have had an eye twitch for the last two-and-a-half weeks and it is driving me insane.

does anyone know how to cure it?

being a good friend

You know what is really funny. Is the amount of attention that you get. It is ridiculous. But you never see it like that. All you see is I don't want to get hurt and you know what I am kinda getting sick of it. I love you to death E but you are the one acting like you are in jr high. You are the girl that just sits there and complains about all of the attention that you are getting. You are a pretty young lady, smart and funny. Occasionally you are charming and always fun to be around except when you are crazy.

I would rather be bitter about being hurt after letting myself fall for someone, than not ever being in a relationship. You are very lucky, well both of us are, and all we do is complain about all of the things that we find wrong with situations. We both over think things. Go with the flow. Is he hot? Are you attracted to him? How old is he? Are you two comfortable around each other? How well do you know him?

There are a lot of questions that he has going through his head like I am sure that you do. Guys will act like they are in jr high until they can figure out how you feel about things. If he is interested in you which it sounds like, especially because he wants to cook for you, you need to either give him the ok to pursue you or not. He doesn't know whether or not you are safe, so he isn't going to get burned especially because he will have to see you a lot and he doesn't want things to get awkward. It is better for a guy to just leave things alone then to mess up something like this. So he is playing safe. DON'T LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE! You know what comes out of that, nothing good. If you want to date him, DATE HIM.

Everyone is bitter about something, or has ulterior motives. Do not pay most people attention because they are here to cause you harm, or are self interested. They could want the guy for themselves or they might want your time. I don't know. But for someone who doesn't know you all that long or well it is harm for me to think that they are just doing that to be a friend. That is what dilullo, amberly and I are here for. They got offended then they are ok and keep on going.

The biggest thing that keeps you from moving on is m. You compare EVERYONE to him, or think that they will act like him. Well there are a whole bunch of guys in the world and a whole bunch of them don't act like that. You know that, oh yea and just so you know...you still love him too. Think about it...

But stop thinking, that is one of the worst things about women in general. They tend to over think situations which is a buzz kill for men and women look too far into conversations that way too. Overanalyzation kills relationships, guys hate it because we feel that you don't take anything we say for face value. If he likes you, he likes you. If you like him, you like him, simple as that. Listen to your heart it will never steer you wrong, but speak with both your mind and heart. If he makes you happy even if it for an instant that is all that matters, because being happy for a while and even getting hurt is much better than protecting yourself from being hurt so you can never truly be happy.

Do what you need to do to make yourself happy, and everything will work out.

pages of a diary

...knock knock KNOCK...

uuuuuugh, i get up and go to the door, and it is six in the morning. hello officer, why are you here?

move kid!

why, you wake me up and come into my room, and attempt to look through my things. i think the least you could do it give me an explanation.

we are here because someone reported that someone in this room is stealing playstations.

well i can tell you that it is not me. (wow do i sound drunk)

frank get up. i think the cops have something to talk to you about.

what do you want?

are you the one that people that has taken a playstation?

i don't know what you are talking about.

well one of the guys on your floor called and said that they think it was you that took their playstation, so we are going to look around.

officers can you please leave my things alone, there are some very expensive things in here and i would like that they all stay intact.

until we are satisfied that your roommate is not responsible, the both of your things do not matter to us.

well they start to go through all of my things. they find a bunch of white powder on the sink.

whose is this white powder?

it is mine i say.

are you aware that you are going to jail for posession?

it is migrane medicine look in the cabinet...can i go bed now?

yes we will be back to question both of you two later.

good-bye.

annoyed

i have been gone for about a year and she has cutoff contact with two that i thought that she was friends with. well now that i am back i have tlaked to them and now i know why she is no longer friends with them.

they are childish and immature. i find myself becomming annoyed with every converstaion that i have with them, and even if i stop talking, they respond anyway.

the topics are pointless and have no meaning. they are a complete waste of time. why me?

peter chianca

this is my new favorite site. this guy is hilarious.

addicting, possibly but for right now amusing. it is a nice little pick me up if you will.

dry, sarcastic humor for all of you who love that stuff and the bizarre things that you hear and think who does that, this is for you.

oh yea the link is on my sidebar.

cater 2 u

i heard this song for the first time on monday. well five days later that song is still in my head.

it is not that catchy of a song, but what it has to say is very interesting.

well i guess i look for a lot of those things from the person that i am dating. that is fine and all but the reason why that sticks so well for me si because that is the way i am when i fine someone worth that.

i do want to cater to them. but for the time beign i will let destiny's child cater to me.

change

today, i have been busy.

not just with work but with life. finally i have control, well in a matter of speaking, and in a long time i get to be happy. well that is if everything that i cannot control goes in my favor.

but all in all a change has occured today that is the best change i have ever made.

maybe i can smile again, and i mean REALLY smile. not the front that i put up all of the time. i think that would be the best thing of all.

to life, le hiem

to my feet

thank you

you are wonderful for being there, taking me whereever i want to go without complaint.

i can always relay on you. even when you are sore and do not want to go anywhere you still do and again i thank you. you let me dress you up all sorts of ways and you do not care.

even when i put on bows and lace(s). you are hard to get embarassed and what a wonderful thing. you are even a foot long. hahaha

but most importantly if it were not for you i could not be physically active. i would be sad without you.

thank you for the bottom of my heart,

sean