inside-out

when i was younger you could say, to know me what to love and trust me but now reflecting on a few things that have been happeneing this year and in my life in general i have seen certain trends. some people do not find me trustworthy and others no matter how much i love i never get it back.

it is very natural to think that it is the other person's fault and you are innocent but when it has been like this for about 4 or so years one has to think, one being me. and i thought about it for a while.

my past has a lot of bad experiences in it and somethings have caused me to shut down certain parts of my being, i do not completely trust myself, so why should anyone else want to trust me, and i really do not love myself that much, so why should anyone else. yes i have an ego and am confident which comes off in the beginning as that but after a while everyone realizes it is a front.

i have done it for so long that i do not think about it or realize that it is completely transparent. so i think it is time to trust myself, my feelings, opinions and especially my gut. also i have to learn to love EVERYTHING about me again, not just my smile, appearance, and the things that i am good at, but my shortcomings, flaws and imperfections. beauty is in the flaws not in what is perfect already, because there is no room for growth in perfection.

i have grown up in so many ways, how i conduct myself around adults, what i say and who i say it to, how to manage my time, money and decisions, but i still have a lot of growing to do on the inside. socially i am independent, self-efficient and successful, but personally i am not even close to ready.

i do not expect this change to happen over night or even in a week or month. this will take a very long time, but the resolution to do it is there and that is really all that i need. maybe i will once again be able to say to know me is to love and trust me as i once could years ago.